This is going to be the hardest post I've ever had to write. I don't even know if I should keep it on this blog or move it to my private one, but we'll see how this goes.
Note: If you haven't read any of the posts prior to this one, I highly recommend catching up on them before reading this one, or you're probably going to think I'm just one huge emotional sap.
I honestly can't believe I'm sitting here in my room back in America right now. It just feels way too surreal to be true. It's like you wait and wait and wait for something to happen, and then the moment it's over, what are you left with? And what happens when you weren't even anticipating anything at all, and it came out of the blue and completely rocked your world and is now over before you could even grasp the reality of it?
In any case, my last morning in Australia began around 8am, even though everyone else was awake much earlier getting ready for the paat (religious ceremony) that was to take place later at the house. Not wanting to acknowledge the day, I tried to stay in bed as long as possible. Eventually though, I woke up, brushed my teeth, and noticed how blotchy my eyes were from the previous night. Before going out to greet anyone, I asked Sims if it was okay if I took the first shower so I could hopefully wash my face and appear more human/normal. I showered, but even while in the shower (where I get some of my best thinking done), I started crying. The time I spent in Coffs Harbour went by in the blink of an eye, and I wished for like 20,000 more blinks. The water and tears mixed together and soon it felt like I was crying out buckets of water.
While I was getting ready, I debated whether or not to take the time to do my make-up. Pretty much every day on vacation, I got dolled up, but this morning I knew it was no use. It would all come off before breakfast anyway. I went to my parents' room and asked them one more time if there was any way I could just stay. My mom started crying at that point too because she knew how much I was hurting and how desperately I wanted to stay. I know I'm not the best at conveying emotions through text, and especially through these blog posts, but there's just something about the Sohis in Australia that's magnetic. It could be a one-sided magnet, but tearing me apart from them just goes against all laws of nature.
It's not right to introduce a kid to her cousins, only give her two days with them, and then ship her off 10,000 miles away and tell her "you'll see them soon!". That's not very helpful or conducive to anything. Of course I'm grateful for the amount of time I was able to spend with them, and that I was able to get to know them at all, and I know I sound selfish saying this, but I just want more time.
Time is an element that is never in anyone's favor. It's not in the favor of those who are aging, or those who are dying, or anyone at all for that matter. I wish we had the ability to manipulate time, to pause the moments we want to last and fast-forward through the ones we don't. If it were up to me, I would hit pause on almost every second of my trip to Coffs Harbour. Even though I took pictures for so many of those seconds, I still feel like there's so much unfinished business there. Not "business" per se, but just things to do, words to say, and memories to make with the people I have grown to love.
Love - such a strange word. What does that even mean? I know I love my family, each and every one of them, as far as the Sohis, Dhamis, Gills, and everyone else extends - no matter how much some of them drive me nuts. I say that though, because that's how you're supposed to treat family. You're supposed to love them automatically. But when you grow to a certain age, you realize that you have a choice. You can decide the moment you fall in love with your family, which is different. I've loved my family my entire life, but I only recently fell in love with them when I realized just how different my life would be had they never been there, or how much I care about every little thing they do and how invested I am in each and every one of them. I want to see my family succeed, I want everyone to reach their full potentials, I don't want anything ever to hold them back, and I always want to do whatever I can to help them. I don't know if what I'm saying makes any sense, but that feeling can extend beyond just my nuclear family to my extended family too.
Granted, I'm sure if I would have stayed with them in Coffs Harbour a few days or weeks longer (or in Harman's case, a few minutes longer), I would have eventually needed my space and would have been a lot more willing to leave. But with such a short amount of time, that didn't happen, so now I'm just left with this gut-wrenching feeling and all I want to do is be back in Australia with my parents and family. Kamal's getting married next weekend and after spending this much time with her family, I can't even bear the thought of not being at her wedding. My parents drag me to everyone else's weddings, some people that I don't even know or necessarily care for, and when it's someone I actually DO care about, I can't go? How is that even fair?
I guess this is all stemming from how after this past year, I've grown to realize how short life can be and how much family really means. At the end of the day, that's all you have left. You have your family to rely on and count on to be there for you, and I want them to be able to rely on me and count on me too...and how am I supposed to do that for a wedding that's so far away? So many people I know miss school, some for weeks at a time, for a family wedding. I don't want to miss school, I just want to spend time with my family! I don't get what's so horrible about missing one or two days of classes, especially at the beginning of the year when one of those days is dedicated to the Reading of the Syllabus. I just don't understand.
My parents keep saying that I'll come back again and my cousins will come visit me in America, but will that REALLY happen? When I went to visit our cousins in Vancouver in 2007, everyone said we would see each other again, but I haven't seen any of them since I left. Again, I made such great friendships and connections with so many of them, and we keep in touch through Facebook and the occasional phone call and all that, but when will I ever get to see them and build a real bond? For my parents it was a lot different - everyone pretty much lived in the same village or not too far away, so they grew up with one another, with so many stories to recount years down the road, and memories to share.
With my cousins scattered all over the world, how are we supposed to be able to do that? As much as people say the lives of the next generation are getting easier, I can't help but feel the opposite. Sometimes I long for the earlier more simple times where the problems were few and the options were many. Now it's the opposite. I'm not asking to go on any crazy trips with my friends or do something stupid...all I want to do is spend more time with my family. I know I'm writing more out of emotion than intellect right now, which is why this post probably makes less sense than monkey talk, but I just need to vent out the emotions I've been feeling over four flights and over 36 hours of flying around the world.
So back to my day. My parents of course said no, and that left me to pack up my suitcase and get ready to leave. I'm pretty sure I cried more today in one day than I've cried in probably the past three years combined, and I've honestly been through some very tough stuff these past few years. I mumbled my good-byes to everyone through blurred eyes and wished I could just conjure up some sort of anchor and root myself into the ground so they could never take me away. If you think these thoughts are probably really immature and not suited for a 21-year-old about to graduate from college, quite honestly, screw you.
I guess a part of me is actually kind of worried about this trip. Like I said, I still haven't seen my cousins up in Vancouver again, and it's been nearly five years. Is that how it will be with Kamal and Sims and Harman? That's what's really getting to me. That's the thought I can't bear. Especially after these past few days, I don't want it to be that long until we see each other again. I don't want to grow up and get a job and "make time" for family. I don't want them to grow up and forget they have a big (but actually little) sister in America. Sure, they're not babies and they have functioning memories, but two days? Is that really enough time to form a concrete memory in the minds of teenagers? I know I'm not that much older than them, but I have a feeling they impacted me infinitely more than I ever could have impacted them.
The previous night before bed while we were playing with Sim's Chinese lantern, I asked Harman if he could make me a mix CD. I knew the timing was really tight and I highly doubted he would even remember in the morning, but he said he would, and if he didn't, to remind him. Our music taste is very similar and I loved all the tracks he played from his CDs when we would drive around. And of course, when I saw him in the morning, he has a present for me - a mix CD that I'm listening to right now. It's so good! A lot of these songs I had never heard before driving around in Coffs Harbour, so they definitely get my emotions going back to the crazy hills, treacherous car rides, and all the times Harman would come up with the weirdest nicknames for me (because he couldn't remember my real name), i.e. "nugget". Is it weird that I'm going to miss being called a "nugget"? I don't even know if that's a derogatory term - I'll assume it's meant to be endearing.
Since Sim was driving us to the airport, the only good-byes left to say were to Harman and Kamal. Before I was about to say bye, Harman told Suny that he would be meeting us at the airport later with Kamal or something, so that stifled the waterworks to just a trickle for the time being. Sim drove Suny, my parents, and me to the airport. The airport in Coffs Harbour is TINY compared to any other airport I've ever been to in my life. When I told Harman last night that our flight was around 10am, he said it takes 20-30 minutes to get there and we would leave at 9. I started to mention security and all that, and he said not to worry about it. Now I saw what he meant - there was hardly anyone at all in the airport. It had one terminal and two gates. The planes were tiny and only meant for short-distance domestic flights which was perfect for us.
Since the airport is so tiny, we could hang out with our parents and Sim as we waited for Kamal and Harman to arrive. It would take us all of a minute to get through security and then wait at the gate behind the glass to where we were standing with everyone else. As we waited, a part of me wished they wouldn't come. Although I've been rooming with Sims and we've had some great conversations, and she's truly one of the most amazing people I've ever known (and one of the nerdiest), there's something about Harman - whether his delinquency or his incompetency, or his eccentricity (have fun looking up all those words, little bro!) - I knew he would be the hardest to say good-bye to. Don't ask why - I can't explain it.
So there we were at the airport, my parents making small talk while I started my first of the five tissue packets I would consume on all my flights. I was also munching on the bag of blueberries Chachiji had given me before I left. They were so good and I knew I was never going to find blueberries that fresh in America. The time was getting close for us to board, and they still hadn't shown up. Sim didn't have her phone, so my dad called her dad to see if they were still coming/what was going on. They said they were coming, so we continued to wait. Just when I thought they wouldn't show up, Sim said she spotted their car. Dammit - just when I thought I could get by.
Before I could stop the tears from falling, they were streaming out of control. I couldn't say bye to them - how the hell could I say bye to any of them? I had barely just said hello. I turned around to blow my nose and try to get myself together, and by the time I turned back, they had walked through the door and joined our group - complete with a box of Cadbury chocolates and stuffed Koala bear. Seeing that little Koala bear (I named him Miko) brought about my first smile in what felt like eternity. They always know the perfect thing to say or do. It's not so much the Koala bear that brought a smile to my face, but everything he represents - the memories of our times together and the way we really are a family that seeks to make each other happy. They have given me so many memories in addition to physical mementos to remember my trip - I just wish I could have given them something to remember me too.
The five of us cousins got a picture together at the gate before we took off, and I don't care how homeless, congested, or blotchy I look in that picture - it's getting framed. I can't explain how I am able to feel so strongly about people with whom I have only spent such a short amount of time. It's insane and even boggles my mind. I have no idea how I could cry through literally every flight, and even while Neetu drove us home from the airport in DC, even to the point that the customs officer at LAX had to ask me if I was okay. (If I were him and saw some crazy girl with red eyes, I would have assumed she was just drunk or something.) I don't remember ever being so emotional in my entire life - ever. I just really, really hope I get to see them again.
I should probably take a moment to thank my cousins and family for everything they did for me in Coffs Harbour. I'm not talking about my meals and all our activities and the countless stuffed animals and chocolate and all that (which I'm grateful for, of course), but for the bigger message they gave me. They opened my eyes to an entirely new lifestyle, a new definition of the word "work" and an additional definition of "family". Each of those kids are so unique in their own ways and I really hope they never change. (Well, they could ease up on their bad words a little bit). But in all seriousness, they all are such incredible human beings. They have inspired me to better care for others, to value what's around me, and to never take these precious seconds of our lives for granted, because we never really can get them back. They've made me realize how much family actually means, and how there are so many more wonderful relatives and people yet to meet, share stories with, and create new experiences together.
I know the wedding will go fantastically well and that there will be many more weddings in the family, and that life is long and there will be plenty of opportunities to see my cousins again blah blah BLAH...but I'm not a very patient person. And as far as I know, Kamal's only planning on getting married once. I wish more than anything that I could be there and witness one of the most important day's in our family's lives, but I guess I'll just have to hold out for now. As crazy and chaotic and hectic as all the taking off, flying, and landing has been in the past 36 hours, I'd do it again in a heartbeat if it meant I could go back to my family in Coffs Harbour.
It's with a heavy heart that I sign off on my last post. I took over a thousand pictures while in Australia, but I can't even imagine going through them right now - it's just like another sobfest in the making. Maybe I'll upload pictures later this week and update this blog with a few sprinkled in here and there to make it more eye-appealing. (Hopefully then I can stop being so depressing.)
I can't wait for my next adventure, whether it involves meeting new people or reconnecting with old ones. Whatever it may be, I'm looking forward to it.
Until next time...
Note: If you haven't read any of the posts prior to this one, I highly recommend catching up on them before reading this one, or you're probably going to think I'm just one huge emotional sap.
I honestly can't believe I'm sitting here in my room back in America right now. It just feels way too surreal to be true. It's like you wait and wait and wait for something to happen, and then the moment it's over, what are you left with? And what happens when you weren't even anticipating anything at all, and it came out of the blue and completely rocked your world and is now over before you could even grasp the reality of it?
In any case, my last morning in Australia began around 8am, even though everyone else was awake much earlier getting ready for the paat (religious ceremony) that was to take place later at the house. Not wanting to acknowledge the day, I tried to stay in bed as long as possible. Eventually though, I woke up, brushed my teeth, and noticed how blotchy my eyes were from the previous night. Before going out to greet anyone, I asked Sims if it was okay if I took the first shower so I could hopefully wash my face and appear more human/normal. I showered, but even while in the shower (where I get some of my best thinking done), I started crying. The time I spent in Coffs Harbour went by in the blink of an eye, and I wished for like 20,000 more blinks. The water and tears mixed together and soon it felt like I was crying out buckets of water.
While I was getting ready, I debated whether or not to take the time to do my make-up. Pretty much every day on vacation, I got dolled up, but this morning I knew it was no use. It would all come off before breakfast anyway. I went to my parents' room and asked them one more time if there was any way I could just stay. My mom started crying at that point too because she knew how much I was hurting and how desperately I wanted to stay. I know I'm not the best at conveying emotions through text, and especially through these blog posts, but there's just something about the Sohis in Australia that's magnetic. It could be a one-sided magnet, but tearing me apart from them just goes against all laws of nature.
It's not right to introduce a kid to her cousins, only give her two days with them, and then ship her off 10,000 miles away and tell her "you'll see them soon!". That's not very helpful or conducive to anything. Of course I'm grateful for the amount of time I was able to spend with them, and that I was able to get to know them at all, and I know I sound selfish saying this, but I just want more time.
Time is an element that is never in anyone's favor. It's not in the favor of those who are aging, or those who are dying, or anyone at all for that matter. I wish we had the ability to manipulate time, to pause the moments we want to last and fast-forward through the ones we don't. If it were up to me, I would hit pause on almost every second of my trip to Coffs Harbour. Even though I took pictures for so many of those seconds, I still feel like there's so much unfinished business there. Not "business" per se, but just things to do, words to say, and memories to make with the people I have grown to love.
Love - such a strange word. What does that even mean? I know I love my family, each and every one of them, as far as the Sohis, Dhamis, Gills, and everyone else extends - no matter how much some of them drive me nuts. I say that though, because that's how you're supposed to treat family. You're supposed to love them automatically. But when you grow to a certain age, you realize that you have a choice. You can decide the moment you fall in love with your family, which is different. I've loved my family my entire life, but I only recently fell in love with them when I realized just how different my life would be had they never been there, or how much I care about every little thing they do and how invested I am in each and every one of them. I want to see my family succeed, I want everyone to reach their full potentials, I don't want anything ever to hold them back, and I always want to do whatever I can to help them. I don't know if what I'm saying makes any sense, but that feeling can extend beyond just my nuclear family to my extended family too.
Granted, I'm sure if I would have stayed with them in Coffs Harbour a few days or weeks longer (or in Harman's case, a few minutes longer), I would have eventually needed my space and would have been a lot more willing to leave. But with such a short amount of time, that didn't happen, so now I'm just left with this gut-wrenching feeling and all I want to do is be back in Australia with my parents and family. Kamal's getting married next weekend and after spending this much time with her family, I can't even bear the thought of not being at her wedding. My parents drag me to everyone else's weddings, some people that I don't even know or necessarily care for, and when it's someone I actually DO care about, I can't go? How is that even fair?
I guess this is all stemming from how after this past year, I've grown to realize how short life can be and how much family really means. At the end of the day, that's all you have left. You have your family to rely on and count on to be there for you, and I want them to be able to rely on me and count on me too...and how am I supposed to do that for a wedding that's so far away? So many people I know miss school, some for weeks at a time, for a family wedding. I don't want to miss school, I just want to spend time with my family! I don't get what's so horrible about missing one or two days of classes, especially at the beginning of the year when one of those days is dedicated to the Reading of the Syllabus. I just don't understand.
My parents keep saying that I'll come back again and my cousins will come visit me in America, but will that REALLY happen? When I went to visit our cousins in Vancouver in 2007, everyone said we would see each other again, but I haven't seen any of them since I left. Again, I made such great friendships and connections with so many of them, and we keep in touch through Facebook and the occasional phone call and all that, but when will I ever get to see them and build a real bond? For my parents it was a lot different - everyone pretty much lived in the same village or not too far away, so they grew up with one another, with so many stories to recount years down the road, and memories to share.
With my cousins scattered all over the world, how are we supposed to be able to do that? As much as people say the lives of the next generation are getting easier, I can't help but feel the opposite. Sometimes I long for the earlier more simple times where the problems were few and the options were many. Now it's the opposite. I'm not asking to go on any crazy trips with my friends or do something stupid...all I want to do is spend more time with my family. I know I'm writing more out of emotion than intellect right now, which is why this post probably makes less sense than monkey talk, but I just need to vent out the emotions I've been feeling over four flights and over 36 hours of flying around the world.
So back to my day. My parents of course said no, and that left me to pack up my suitcase and get ready to leave. I'm pretty sure I cried more today in one day than I've cried in probably the past three years combined, and I've honestly been through some very tough stuff these past few years. I mumbled my good-byes to everyone through blurred eyes and wished I could just conjure up some sort of anchor and root myself into the ground so they could never take me away. If you think these thoughts are probably really immature and not suited for a 21-year-old about to graduate from college, quite honestly, screw you.
I guess a part of me is actually kind of worried about this trip. Like I said, I still haven't seen my cousins up in Vancouver again, and it's been nearly five years. Is that how it will be with Kamal and Sims and Harman? That's what's really getting to me. That's the thought I can't bear. Especially after these past few days, I don't want it to be that long until we see each other again. I don't want to grow up and get a job and "make time" for family. I don't want them to grow up and forget they have a big (but actually little) sister in America. Sure, they're not babies and they have functioning memories, but two days? Is that really enough time to form a concrete memory in the minds of teenagers? I know I'm not that much older than them, but I have a feeling they impacted me infinitely more than I ever could have impacted them.
The previous night before bed while we were playing with Sim's Chinese lantern, I asked Harman if he could make me a mix CD. I knew the timing was really tight and I highly doubted he would even remember in the morning, but he said he would, and if he didn't, to remind him. Our music taste is very similar and I loved all the tracks he played from his CDs when we would drive around. And of course, when I saw him in the morning, he has a present for me - a mix CD that I'm listening to right now. It's so good! A lot of these songs I had never heard before driving around in Coffs Harbour, so they definitely get my emotions going back to the crazy hills, treacherous car rides, and all the times Harman would come up with the weirdest nicknames for me (because he couldn't remember my real name), i.e. "nugget". Is it weird that I'm going to miss being called a "nugget"? I don't even know if that's a derogatory term - I'll assume it's meant to be endearing.
Since Sim was driving us to the airport, the only good-byes left to say were to Harman and Kamal. Before I was about to say bye, Harman told Suny that he would be meeting us at the airport later with Kamal or something, so that stifled the waterworks to just a trickle for the time being. Sim drove Suny, my parents, and me to the airport. The airport in Coffs Harbour is TINY compared to any other airport I've ever been to in my life. When I told Harman last night that our flight was around 10am, he said it takes 20-30 minutes to get there and we would leave at 9. I started to mention security and all that, and he said not to worry about it. Now I saw what he meant - there was hardly anyone at all in the airport. It had one terminal and two gates. The planes were tiny and only meant for short-distance domestic flights which was perfect for us.
Since the airport is so tiny, we could hang out with our parents and Sim as we waited for Kamal and Harman to arrive. It would take us all of a minute to get through security and then wait at the gate behind the glass to where we were standing with everyone else. As we waited, a part of me wished they wouldn't come. Although I've been rooming with Sims and we've had some great conversations, and she's truly one of the most amazing people I've ever known (and one of the nerdiest), there's something about Harman - whether his delinquency or his incompetency, or his eccentricity (have fun looking up all those words, little bro!) - I knew he would be the hardest to say good-bye to. Don't ask why - I can't explain it.
So there we were at the airport, my parents making small talk while I started my first of the five tissue packets I would consume on all my flights. I was also munching on the bag of blueberries Chachiji had given me before I left. They were so good and I knew I was never going to find blueberries that fresh in America. The time was getting close for us to board, and they still hadn't shown up. Sim didn't have her phone, so my dad called her dad to see if they were still coming/what was going on. They said they were coming, so we continued to wait. Just when I thought they wouldn't show up, Sim said she spotted their car. Dammit - just when I thought I could get by.
Before I could stop the tears from falling, they were streaming out of control. I couldn't say bye to them - how the hell could I say bye to any of them? I had barely just said hello. I turned around to blow my nose and try to get myself together, and by the time I turned back, they had walked through the door and joined our group - complete with a box of Cadbury chocolates and stuffed Koala bear. Seeing that little Koala bear (I named him Miko) brought about my first smile in what felt like eternity. They always know the perfect thing to say or do. It's not so much the Koala bear that brought a smile to my face, but everything he represents - the memories of our times together and the way we really are a family that seeks to make each other happy. They have given me so many memories in addition to physical mementos to remember my trip - I just wish I could have given them something to remember me too.
The five of us cousins got a picture together at the gate before we took off, and I don't care how homeless, congested, or blotchy I look in that picture - it's getting framed. I can't explain how I am able to feel so strongly about people with whom I have only spent such a short amount of time. It's insane and even boggles my mind. I have no idea how I could cry through literally every flight, and even while Neetu drove us home from the airport in DC, even to the point that the customs officer at LAX had to ask me if I was okay. (If I were him and saw some crazy girl with red eyes, I would have assumed she was just drunk or something.) I don't remember ever being so emotional in my entire life - ever. I just really, really hope I get to see them again.
I should probably take a moment to thank my cousins and family for everything they did for me in Coffs Harbour. I'm not talking about my meals and all our activities and the countless stuffed animals and chocolate and all that (which I'm grateful for, of course), but for the bigger message they gave me. They opened my eyes to an entirely new lifestyle, a new definition of the word "work" and an additional definition of "family". Each of those kids are so unique in their own ways and I really hope they never change. (Well, they could ease up on their bad words a little bit). But in all seriousness, they all are such incredible human beings. They have inspired me to better care for others, to value what's around me, and to never take these precious seconds of our lives for granted, because we never really can get them back. They've made me realize how much family actually means, and how there are so many more wonderful relatives and people yet to meet, share stories with, and create new experiences together.
I know the wedding will go fantastically well and that there will be many more weddings in the family, and that life is long and there will be plenty of opportunities to see my cousins again blah blah BLAH...but I'm not a very patient person. And as far as I know, Kamal's only planning on getting married once. I wish more than anything that I could be there and witness one of the most important day's in our family's lives, but I guess I'll just have to hold out for now. As crazy and chaotic and hectic as all the taking off, flying, and landing has been in the past 36 hours, I'd do it again in a heartbeat if it meant I could go back to my family in Coffs Harbour.
It's with a heavy heart that I sign off on my last post. I took over a thousand pictures while in Australia, but I can't even imagine going through them right now - it's just like another sobfest in the making. Maybe I'll upload pictures later this week and update this blog with a few sprinkled in here and there to make it more eye-appealing. (Hopefully then I can stop being so depressing.)
I can't wait for my next adventure, whether it involves meeting new people or reconnecting with old ones. Whatever it may be, I'm looking forward to it.
Until next time...
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